TELLING THE HARD-TO-BELIEVE SEXUAL TRUTH

WOMEN CANNOT KNOW HOW DEEPLY WE ACHE FOR THEIR PLEASURES.  Watch male animals battle for females till they are exhausted ---even when hungry lions are about--and you get some hint as to the urgency of our need.  We begin to yearn for you---I daresay about 6 and endure about 10 years of extraordinary frustration in this culture. (how much Dahmer-like wierdness can be traced to this frustration is worth researching)  In a world I would make-- the balance of desire would be more even----or the culture less cruel. (some cultures--I've heard---allow nannies to masturbate young boys --to ease their tension) Happily, our culture is bending a bit---sex is easier, earlier and
in more imaginative forms.  I think--on balance--it's a good thing. Frustrated sexual desires lead to
life altering abuses of the young as in the Catholic priests scandals.

But I digress.  I have promised to share some "unbelievable" incidents of my own sexual history.
1. I begin with a "lightweight" incident at college where I was seduced by a teacher who with infinite finesse-- shepherded me to bed.  I enjoyed it---not a big deal---not hard to believe?

2. I once dated a nudist---who surprised me on our first date by answering the door nude.  Said she wanted to see the look on my face. (sheepish smile) also not hard to believe?---Stay tuned!

3. Three times in my travels I have seduced ladies at rest areas. One was a Mormon lady at the rest area near the Salt flats speedway. Another outside Dallas and the third in New Mexico.  All seemed to me a gift from the Gods. Right place--right time? Also not hard to believe?---stay tuned!!

4. Dated a Guru.  A female guru came to Tampa town and I watched her declaim her message to a packed house. She has a nationwide following.  Friends arranged a date with her because I was single and at the time performing a one-man Walt Whitman show. (who had much to say about enlightenment).  We clicked-- and she invited me to perform at her home congregation. I did and she paid me generously--then spent some quality time with me. Woo Woo people would know her so I will detail no more. I will say that Enlightened intimacy is as good as you would suspect--super fun!
She tried to enlist me--but I simply did not believe her metaphysics and declined. I'm getting a little harder to believe now---aren't I?  Stay tuned--you positively won't believe the final one!

5. I tried to seduce my grade school teacher---40 years later.  She was still beautiful--widowed and we had exchanged chit chatty letters. I remembered the fire I felt in her class. When I went home recently, I called on her--thanked her for my lessons and displayed my most charming and erudite self---showed her I was quoted in a scholarly book (Practicing Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton--page 83)  Ever so carefully I moved to that line you cannot cross without giving offense or revealing your desire.  But if you don't approach that line, you have NO chance of "success."  I went right up to the line in a phone call that night and my quarry suddenly understood my intentions.  I could hear in her voice that she was shocked and not the least bit interested.  I retreated quickly, assuring her with as much plausibility as I could muster that this was a poorly worded misunderstanding. Perhaps I covered my backside---perhaps I didn't.
What we've illustrated here is that lust can envision the remotest possibilities---entertain the most far fetched wishes--and call a most rational man into absurd action.  Jeesus--what was I thinking.

6. OK here's where I'll lose you---but it's true. Here's the story: (All the parties but myself are dead)
She was high society, drop dead gorgeous and 10 years older-- and she wanted to play tennis with me. (friend of a friend) I'm terrible at tennis but she didn't seem to care.  Our second time out while taking  a lengthy break on the grass, I noticed a pulsating artery in her neck and understood what it meant: She wanted me!! I hadn't even considered it because she was so far out of my impoverished Seminary Student ballpark. My heart surged--and I kissed her--then and there.  We began to meet and eventually became lovers.  I will never forget the irony of guest preaching in a southern Baptist Church one Sunday and looking out from the pulpit to see her and her husband in the audience. (shades of Rev Dimmesdale and Hester Prynne) Honestly--it didn't trouble me at all--I was already drifting away from absolute (revealed) ethics toward relative (discovered/situational/consequential) ethics.

Eventually, I got married to my college sweetheart, moved away and never saw her for 22 years.
(here's the part you will find hard to believe)
I met her briefly at the funeral of a mutual friend.  Still exquisitely beautiful---still married. She was warm--we exchanged pleasantries.  Found myself in a private side conversation with her husband and asked him about his job with Wal-mart. (He was in the inner circle as a site locator and often in the company of Sam Walton)  He said: "I Quit! That bastard was having an affair with my wife--sending me out of town so he could get with her."
So there you have the unbelievable thing:  Sam Walton and I shared a lover!!

RANDY RUMINATES: I don't know if all this revelation is doing me or you any good.  One of my friends has warned me that "stuff you put on the internet never goes away." But Jesus and Brad Blanton say: the truth will set you free!