YES, I CAN SEE, YOU ARE ENRAGED AT SEXUAL AGRESSION AND YOU HAVE FOUND YOUR VOICE---AND UNITED---AND HAVE OUTED A FEW DOZEN OFFENDORS---AND ARE DRAGGING THEM TOWARD THE GALLOWS.
BEFORE YOU PULL THAT LEVER SENDING THEM TO THEIR VARIOUS DOOMS: PLEASE, ASK YOURSELVES THREE QUESTIONS:
1. WHAT IS THE REAL CAUSE OF THIS PROBLEM?
It goes back a million years when our monkey-like ansestors were morphing into humans.
Female sexual organs changed from OBVIOUS ESTRUS (sexual readiness--swollen rumps,smells and such)
to HIDDEN ESTRUS---a big big difference--with this consequence: HUMAN MALES CANNOT
EASILY SEE WHEN SEXUAL ADVANCES ARE WELCOME. we are left guessing.
AND WE ARE (almost) EVER READY for sex.
Remind yourselves that sexual advances---yes even agression was necessary for evolution to
proceed. Gentle lions have no offspring--nor gentle humans-to-be. We inherited this drive
naturally from the most agressive of our species. If you cannot learn to appreciate this fact--
at least acknowledge it.
The sexual urges we males carry around with us ALWAYS, are ten times as powerful (I daresay) as
those you occasionally feel. It takes some effort to constrain ourselves.
During the million year transition to human we forcibly took the sex we wanted. It was the quickest, easiest, ( understandable ?) solution to our driving need. We gave your feelings little thought.
When agriculture, culture and civilization came along, we evolved some (moderating?) traditions
but men still had the driving genes and so continued to agress against women in new ways. 5000
years of this brings us to now. We men still have our drive but you are ready to stop the agression.
2. So I now ask a question that furious ladies seem not to ask: WHAT IS A REASONABLE
PUNISHMENT FOR SEXUAL AGRESSION? Do you want to kill Harvey Weinstein?
Remember that all us males carry his (type) of genes. For perspective, consider cases of out-of-
control anger--another evolutionary heritage. We usually give agressors second chances--sentence
them to anger management classes or porportional jail sentences. I'm always stunned to see rapist
sentenced to longer jail terms than murderers.
3. SO WHAT IS THE FIX FOR THESE
NATURALLY OCCURING DRIVES. Can we have a reasonable discussion?
Norwegian countries are well on the way to fixing the problem. For example:
Girls are given special classes in understanding, deflecting, dodging male sexual agression.
They are clearly apprised of the strength of male lust. I heard one such class where the girls are
bluntly told the evolutionary truth about the huge disparity of lust and agression between men and women. Men, they said, will lie, cheat, promise, deceive, manipulate, badger you for sex. They are wired
that way. Your task is to intelligently deal with this huge disparity of desire and only have sex when you feel you are ready. Then they show
them lots of ways to do this.
I think the boys are given classes too---approximately saying to them: Gentlemen, we have
inherited some powerful feelings. We must learn to control them. It is the right thing to do---and--if we don't--- society will put us in jail.
Here are some suggestions: Upgrade your charm, learn patience, learn to win a lady's favors, masterbate etc. (sounds
reasonable to me)
FINAL PHILOSOPHICAL WORD: In reviewing my last 40 years of sexual activity I have developed some sympathy for the Weinsteins, Clintons, Kennedys and others who've gotten their hands caught in the cookie jar. I'm happily, not in jail-- and determined not to cross the line of unwelcome advances.
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41 comments:
Oh boy, you are going to "catch it" this time. But not from me. I agree with most of your points.
You did leave Western women off the hook, though. There seems to be no limit to how provocatively they will dress. Then males are considered boors and cads for staring at them. Of course that is a long way from the subject of actual aggression.
I was in Moab recently. I was disgusted with the young, slender, trim women wearing yoga pants in the grocery store. I really wanted to walk up to one of them and say, "Lady, there should be laws against certain types of clothing."
Aaah Kabloonie: You're gonna catch it more than me---for saying that women bring it on themselves by looking so good. They want the right to dress any way they want and walk among us without being bothered. For my part the sexier they look just pleases me and nurtures my fantasies. Very pleasant--bring it on-----er--off.
"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
- Viktor E. Frankl -
I think it does make sense, from an evolutionary or WHATEVER worldview stance anyone comes from that men have powerful drives and can sometimes lose control of those drives. The animals are an example of that although many humans would be offended by calling humans animals. Some women want it rough. Real rough, I've seen and heard about that. Sure, we're further along than the average wild animal, or are we? In 2007, I embraced my bi, mostly gay orientation. I joined a sex-positive clothing-optional commune back in 2011 in WV. I was in a SAFE place where I could experiment and explore my sexuality and be clothing-free. Not so as a female soloist on the road will I practice my "sex positive" commune ways because we had teaching and guidance about it as a community. I realize it's important for example, to be VERY wise as to when I am nude at a hot springs. I make sure there are others around that are nude too or that I feel safely alone, with my clothes ever so closeby in case someone comes along that I don't feel safe being nude and alone with. Not every guy wants me either. LOL. It's interesting how some men can be on fire and others don't even turn their head.
Ah yes, if only America and its inhabitants had half the smarts that the Scandinavian countries have shown regarding sex education. Your proposed "fix" would be a major step in the right direction HOWEVER the fundamentalist Christians and others have shut down open discussions in the classrooms all over the USA. This often very vocal subset of the population will probably always be with us. So how do we get around this?
Another backward step has just appeared here in Oregon sending teenagers looking for advice away from knowledgeable adults. In the Salem-Keiser school district (one of Oregon's largest school districts) about two weeks ago the teachers and staff were told that when they learn or suspect a student is sexually active, they must report it to law enforcement or a state official (i.e. child protective services.) Nothing like driving underground another chunk of teenagers looking for help and answers which were previously available to them when they sensed a caring or helpful adult in the school environment.
Does the Internet take the place of a wise adult who can convey the pleasure of healthy sexuality along with the pitfalls? I think not and often wonder if "sex education and more" will ever find its rightful place in the public educational process.
I think most men would agree, if a woman did not have a vagina there would be a bounty on her head and she would be hunted like a rabid dog.
The main problem I have with some of the Weinstein women is they kept quit while he was helping their careers. Too much "Chicken Little" for me. If a woman wonders what man wants to see your naked, the answer is EVERY man that has ever seen you clothed! If a woman was honest with herself, she would not want it any other way.
A well thought out argument Randy.
I posted this just a moment ago, but realized I wanted to edit as I forgot a very important (to me) piece of information....
Maybe I'm in the minority or maybe not, but after a lifetime of being on the receiving end of inappropriate attention by men - that started at a very very young age - I am celebrating the fact that past transgressions are garnering attention. Unless you've received this kind of attention or abuse, you really have no place or right to say how a person should feel, should forgive, should act or should disclose. It is really time to take off the blinders - both men and women - and quit blaming the victims. We are really tired, disgusted and angry. And it's about time the harassers, abusers and aggressors take responsibility for their own actions instead of pleading a weak memory or remaining in denial or blaming the victim. Being a victim of sexual harassment or sexual abuse doesn't just happen in that moment and then go away. It is SO damaging and heartbreaking. It is something that can affect your physical and mental health your WHOLE life. The opportunities lost are immense. This is something I've been actively working on for DECADES. And I am not the exception. I've made tremendous progress and sometimes, when I realize what I've lost or when I read posts like this, all I can do is cry. Randy, I've followed you for quite a while and am really disappointed in this post and some of the comments. You've just lost at least one fan.
I have to dissent here. We are not animals. We are not controlled by our genes. If you have a daughter, a girlfriend, a wife, a sister, etc., you treat these people with respect and you hope others will too. The Weinsteins of this world want power to harass and rape these people just for the egotistical reason of saying they can if they want. We should defend and stand with all abused women instead of blaming the victim. There are whole religions based on keeping women like private property and slaves. But our society is not much better with its advertising and pornography industry based on the reduction of women to just bodies for sex. Taking the time to know and romance a woman entails delayed gratification which makes success so much sweeter. But if you don't have the patience, there are plenty of apps to find women who will dispense with all that. Yes, we need sex education and anger management education in our schools. And for God's sake, if you feel the urge to sexually harass some woman, go to the bathroom and masturbate!
I copied this from a friend on FB: “To this whole #metoo thing. Boys and girls, not a single woman has not been harassed. That means your daughters, wives, sisters and mothers. Every single one of them has also at least once wondered if the street was safe, the parking garage was safe, the stairwell, or a mere fucking jog down the street at times just because she's a female. Not b/c it's a sketch place, or b/c it's night time, raining, sunny, she's wearing red shoes or clogs. It's because she's a female. What's pathetic is that 99.7% of this dialog is only being had by women- as if there are 2 kinds of men: the ones that harass/assault and the rest who act like it's not their problem to speak up, defend or lend the voice of support. On FB, I have one male who did create a post on the topic. He said women like being sex objects. And. That is about the only post on this topic that got other men responding/rallying and liking a post. Just tracking this dialog alone speaks volumes.”
Oh Give us a break!! Women are taught at an early age to squash their sexual energy to avoid male aggression!! "if you dress that way you'll get raped", WHY ...I mean women were seen as BAD and Sexually Stimulated if they rode a horse astride for Pete's Sake!...Why didn't you mention the double standard????...women who give off sexual signals are immediately labeled...try walking in the shoes of a woman before you think you know what you're talking about,,,,men forget that not every woman finds him attractive, Men somehow believe they do...Women are very sexually driven, but there is a right and wrong way to go about it!! Just a few of the labels given freely to sexually active women at a very young age,
Easy, Slut, Whore, Trash, Tramp, should I go on?
"In reviewing my last 40 years of sexual activity I have developed some sympathy for the Weinsteins, Clintons, Kennedys and others who've gotten their hands caught in the cookie jar."
Really, Randy ?
And do you have any sympathy for all the women whose "No" you didn't want to hear and/or didn't listen to ?
Or the women who you sweet talked, manipulated, or lied to in order to get a yes ?
I'm not attacking you personally, my friend. I'm guilty, too, and from what I'm hearing from my men friends, most, if not all of us are.
But I don't think men deserve "sympathy" for such behavior.
squire........are you f'ing serious ???????
Cindy in OR.........Brava !
Excellent post. Preventative teaching IS a good option. And castration for repeat offenders as well. And teaching lawyers the dangers of spectral evidence.
When I was young, the inappropriate advances were a daily thing. I figured then that this was normal, and I learned to deflect and avoid and change the subject, and make a joke of it, and... AND no blood was shed. If did not want the attention, I knew how to avoid it, I could be friendly but not provocative, cool but not distant, and respectful and respected. It was a woman thing. Men were naturally aggressive and women naturally defensive. Very few times I had to resolve in a rude rejection. It was just another game that people play.
So suddenly there are scores of women crying out about "assaults" that took place a decade or five ago. Why didn't they say something THEN? Most of them continued their association with the 'abusers', as long as there was something to be gained from it. And the 'me too' wave of accusations is getting bigger and stronger.
Everyone comes out crying rape, especially if the 15 minutes of fame -or notoriety- they achieve, will benefit them in some way or another.I have serious doubts about many of the accusations that the advances were unwanted, unprovoked and unavoidable.
The ladies do protest too much, methinks.
After reading these comments I am reminded of my youth and all the sexual harassment I endured for years. It started when I was 12. It made me feel like a piece of meat. I learned to have a very negative opinion of men. "All they want is sex". "They don't even like me, how could they, they don't know me". "Men sure are stupid". "I can't wait until I am old and fat so I can find out who actually likes the real me". And guess what...a few do and I am blessed to have them as my friends. And I am very happy not to be bothered by the rest.
WOW! Such an interesting and timely post Randy, and it took bravery too for that I say well done. After reading all posts, I have to give kudos to Stuart and Andy Milberg, as a 42-year-old husband and father of three daughters. I try to teach my girls to be independent and tell them they can be who they are and who they want to be, but I also try to remind them that they live in the "real world" not their utopia, so be practical. For the one son I have, I teach him the same. We all have impulses, but a huge part of growing-up and being mature is having control over our impulses. For example, we all want to kill the person who cut us off, but we know we really shouldn't go that far and thankfully most of us don't. The only sympathy I have for the "Weinsteins, Clintons, Kennedys" is empathy for the consequence of their actions, because when one has to pay the price is always more than one expected. And that's where my sympathy ends. You messed-up bubba and now you got to pay...
Peace:)
Randy, I'm reminded of your post on 3/9/17 titled "A KISS FOR ROSIE." I wonder if she felt sexually harassed by your actions? Seemed pretty inappropriate to me, despite her response.
It costs $0.00 to be a decent human being.
Interesting topic! As a formerly good-looking woman (I'm over 50 now), I would have to say that experience, wisdom and maturity are required for ALL women to assess this issue carefully. Sexuality is a good thing! The problem is men's brains. I recall many men flirting with a woman and quickly coming to the wrong conclusion "she likes me" and then continuing their behavior to win the prize. But 99.9 percent of the time, I could see that she didn't like him, yet his brain twisted things around to convince himself otherwise. So who's to blame? Since we can't do anything about ineffective brains, I think all women should learn to be very upfront with men. Just tell him sternly "Hey buddy, I'm not into you" and walk away. Forget polite manners (hard for most women to do), just don't engage or endure with attentive (no matter how benign) behaviors that will encourage him. I recall my "polite" mother complaining about a guy's attention at work, he wouldn't quit and I could see she was emotionally upset for weeks. Told her to make a whipcream pie and at the next group lunch session in front of all the co-workers, slam the pie in his face when he approaches without laughing or smirking, serious expression was paramount to be effective! That episode completely ended his annoying behavior.
Humiliating people is NOT a good idea. These people you are humiliating can be anti-social, psychopathic, numerous other personality disorders that like to seek revenge. And they can come after you, stalk you, your family, shall I say more? And you cannot just look at someone and know what kind of person they are. Psychopaths will be the nicest, friendliness people around, BUT they have a reason for that. Some of these folks carry guns and it's not for bird or deer hunting. I am 65 now so I have much more experience and have worked in the field of medicine and psychological treatment.
We all create our own reality every moment...good or bad. NO VICTIMS, ONLY VOLUNTEERS!
I know this statement stings, but if you can take time to observe your own life and look at things much deeper than usual without outside interference it will become apparent.
Where to start? Start meditating and read such books like Walden and such. And turn off the damn TV! It all starts with you, you are the creator and co-creater.
J.B.
Women are not innocent creatures like they make themselves out to be. They are as conniving, deceptive and manipulative as men. In fact they do it better than men, that's why they are perceived to be pure innocent creatures.
RJ: Thanks for raising the issue of "a kiss for Rosy" It brings into sharp focus the issue at hand: WHEN AND HOW CAN MEN MOVE IN FOR A KISS APPROPRIATELY? It is a question that complaining women owe us males an answer to. The truth seems as CONCEALED as ovation itself.
I predict that furious women will not give us a clear answer. Your point about the kiss for Rosy is valid---she could ave had me arrested for sexual agression. Let's hope that some woman somewhere reads this and supplies us with an understandable answer.
Fit for life: You've raised a critical point--let's see some lady somewhere answers your charge.
I will be glad to,
I am 65 years old and have had many experiences with men. I am heterosexual so I think I qualify for this inquiry. I remember having a conversation with a man who assumed that because I was friendly and smiled, had conversations with him, he thought I wanted to have a sexual relationship with him. I told him that I was friendly with everyone, male or female, including cats and dogs and maybe some other species. When I chat with people I always find out what we have in common and ask them many questions about their life (I do not talk politics/religion). I also talk about some of my interests. I am going to guess that some men (and women) see friendliness as a come on or being flirty. With my experience as a heterosexual female I would advise men and women to not assume anything. You know the saying: Assuming makes an ass out of you and me. If I were a male I would ask a female: " I would like to kiss you, (hug you, feel you, have sex with you, a serious relationship with you, etc) but I do not want to make you feel uncomfortable. So please please please, do not just 'go along' with what I am asking because it would be a lie and I only want your true self to be present." This is what is called; 'Putting your cards on the table' Problem with this behavior of being straightforward and honest is that there is a big chance for rejection and the fantasy of what you think that person wants will dissipate and you will be let down. Rejection is a real downer. And this goes for both men and women. Choosing not to invade/intrude a persons personal space (no matter what you assume) is a sign of maturity. Having the guts to have clarity (cards on the table) in your relationships (family, work, friends) is a show of honor to all of humanity.
VIDEOGIRL1952: Thank you for your clear and forthright answer to the question posed. (I'm stunned that anyone would take up the challenge)
I like your answer: be bold enough to ask. I think I will give it a shot. You're right it is risky to our ego---but I think I'll do it anyway. A rejection has the benefit of clarity so we know where we stand and can act accordingly.
I recently saw a video of a cobra male courting a female whose bite could kill him. She struck and missed. He was not dissuaded--began to bump her (much larger) body with his nose.
Slowly she warmed up and mating occurred. We human males should thank our stars that the worst that will happen is the sting of rejection.
Bahahaha!!!
I like that story Randy, and you're so right. I'll gladly take the "sting of rejection." As to Fit For Life who said about women, "They are as conniving, deceptive and manipulative as men. In fact they do it better than men,..." Although, I'm not a female I will say you're right, but how/why is that relevant? For instance, I assume everybody knows that there are "conniving, deceptive and manipulative" women and men in the world, but not all men are that way. Not all women are that way either, so I'm just curious as to why say that.
This has certainly generated a lot of discussion, and Randy, as a woman, I will try to address some of what you asked about. In my opinion, sexual harassment should be a black and white issue. It either is or it isn't. But that's not always the case. In the case of A Kiss for Rosie, that seems to be in a class all by itself. Without her input we won't know if she felt violated. I thought it was a sweet story when I read it. Probably made her day. You never know what is going on in her life at the time and it may have made a difference in her attitude that day. I know if I'm having a bad day and some strange man opens a door for me and calls me Darlin', it puts a smile on my face. But I was raised in the south and everyone is darling or honey. I've never had anyone pull a Rhett Butler on me like you did on Rosie!
When I was a teenage waitress many decades ago, male customers frequently slapped my butt. I did not feel violated at the time, I was usually too busy, and I hoped he left a good tip. He had no right to do such a thing though then or now. This is the type of behavior women have put up with as long as I have been alive. Today that would be called assault. I think assault in a lot of these cases is too strong a word. Assault and racism are words that are being thrown around too frequently now and they water down the true instances of both. But I would never have dreamed of confronting these men. That was also my southern upbringing, you did not question adults. I'm sure I would feel differently had I ever been truly sexually assaulted. That's totally different. VideoGirl has a point. In these times, just ask. State you are getting some strong vibes and if that was not the intention, no harm, no hard feelings. Move on. But going back to Rosie, I will be a wishy washy woman and say again that seems different. Had you asked if you could kiss her, it would have taken all the thrill and spontaneity from the "moment". So none of this is cut and dried to me. Each instance is different. Focus on Respect. In all things, respect one another, men and women. That would solve so many of life's problems, I've believed this more and more in the last few years.
Thank you Pat for a very thoughtful comment. The Rosy kiss was indeed a case of its own.
And respect is indeed the critical ingredient.
Okay, my turn to rant. I would venture to guess that nearly every woman has been disrespected and abused by men sometime throughout their lives. It is so shockingly common some may fail to recognize it. One may even venture to say that it is the norm. I'm in my 60's and have learned a thing or two. Seems to me that communication is at an all time low. In response to your query, Randy: Yes, as a good rule of thumb, ask. But beyond direct conversation there is a virtual reservoir of communication that is being overlooked. I adhere to the school of thought that 70% is body language (hand gestures, posture, eye contact or aversion, facial expression etc.), 23% is inflection and intonation, which leaves a mere 7% to speech. Add to this the fact that people invariably SHOW us who they are. It's my responsibility to be observant and respond accordingly. And, as much as I may not always want to acknowledge this, one clear indication of emotional maturity is impulse control. Seeking instant gratification often has unfortunate consequences, regardless of the topic. Thus the old adages "Think before you act.", "Look before you leap.", "Count to 10.", "Sleep on it."Restraint of tongue and pen." etc. Surely we all are capable of this. The question that remains in my mind is, why aren't people motivated to act so? Extreme self-centeredness perhaps? In the long run, no one wins in a culture steeped in self-absortion, lacking empathy and respect. We can do better.
KAT
Your historical evolution and biology of sexuality is mere conjecture
We may have even had some periods of matriarchy as the Mayans near my current abode do to this day
I think the best way to put it for women is this:
Consider what you would find very VERY "cute" behavior from a handsome wealthy charming fellow in a tailored suit driving a Tesla. Really just about anything short of full-freakshow... and full-freakshow might be just fine.
Now CONSIDER THE EXACT SAME WORDS & ACTIONS FROM A "CREEPY" GUY (i.e. unattractive, ungroomed, tiny bit smelly, little awkward, baggy clothing, unconfident, driving a mitsubishi.)
One you're sleeping with (or you want to if you're with someone else... & you might just do it if you know you can.)
They other is a sexual harasser & should be punished.
Need I say more?
Besides this: I don't hire women any more. Too much risk.
Anonymous, you can try to justify unacceptable behavior all you want, but only women who are shut down with low self esteem and out of touch with reality would follow that reasoning. It's sexual harassment whatever the wrapper. Period.
KAT
Hey Randy
I can see your argument as a way of justifying the thoughts perhaps (I'm sure most people think of doing things that they would never actually do); but how on earth could "urges" justify the action of harming another person? There's no excuse for not treating the people we share this earth with with anything less than kindness and respect <3 be kind and don't make excuses for those who made mistakes! Help them instead to realise they hurt another person and to become a kinder, better person<3
I've yet to understand any of this as a generalized personal concern..probably because I'm gay and like to play the female role in the relationship..ya, that must be why.
According to Barry Scheck and his Innocence Project, fully one-third of men convicted of rape are innocent, a damning statistic that should, but doesn't, have some impact for giving men some benefit of doubt when it comes to sexual accusations.
And Warren Farrell proved in his groundbreaking work, "The Myth of Male Power," that women are actually greater perpetrators of violence than men in abuse cases. For example, more women murder husbands than husbands murder women. Farrell was able to arrive at this fact by using statistics from medical examiners who found, when it comes to domestic murder, that husbands were murdered 51% of the time, while wives were murdered only 49% of the time. But when Farrell looked at the crime statistics, which only reflect actual court cases, he made a very rather bleak discovery that women are actually only prosecuted a fraction of the time while men are prosecuted all the time. The reason, Farrell discovered, was that prosecutors rarely prosecuted wives for murder of their husbands because, well, who would take care of the children?
Of course, the feminists today use not medical examiner statistics but rather only crime statistics to put forth their fraudulent false narrative that all women are angels and all men are devils.
In reality, Farrell showed that more men are angels and more women are devils. One doesn't even need statistics to arrive at this conclusion. Common Sense and observation show that more men than women are protectors of the population. Throughout history men have died fighting wars to protect women and children, have died as police officers to protect women and children, have died fighting fires to save women and children, have died in coal mines to keep women and children warm, have died in construction projects to provide housing and infrastructure for women and children -- throughout history men have only sacrificed not for themselves but only for women and children. And in return they get not much deserved appreciation but only hatred and scorn from feminists who have fraudulently put forth the false narrative that men are worthless, that men are rapists, that men are sexual predators -- the endgame being genocide of the male gender.
Given the feminist's dismal portrayal and treatment of men, I'm perplexed there isn't a hundredfold more violence against women. But when I recognize the real truth about male character, there's little wonder that men instead choose homelessness, suicide, substance abuse -- preferring destruction of themselves rather than destruction of women and children. The same absolutely cannot be said of women, whose nurturing gene has mutated into a "selfish" gene that has become sufficiently dominant to employ abortion on demand on a massive scale.
I have never understood the feminist combo of marriage to a man and yet so much opposition to men in general.
"If civilization had been left in female hands, we would still be living in grass huts." --Camille Paglia
"Masculinity is "the most creative cultural force in history." Indeed, the "force" that for millennia has tamed the wilderness, constructed civilizations, revolutionized life through dazzling inventions and sacrificed its own life to protect women and children has been masculinity." --Camille Paglia
"The prostitute is not, as feminists claim, the victim of men, but rather their conqueror, an outlaw, who controls the sexual channels between nature and culture." --Camille Paglia
Anonymous: Thank you for some new insights on this issue. I like all of them but one: I AM A FIRM BELIEVER IN ABORTION ON DEMAND FOR THE FIRST 26 WEEKS OF PREGNANCY. And even after that when the health of the mother is at issue---and even after that in cases of severe anomalies such as spinabifida and brainless fetuses. I think I'll google Camille Pglia to consider her viewpoint.
So, Randy, you don't believe in the Constitution!!!!!
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